Who Chooses the Family? | Adopt a Baby

A Brief History of Family Selection in Adoption

Understanding who chooses the adoptive family begins with understanding how this part of the adoption process has evolved over time.

Then: A closed system

In the early-to-mid 20th century, most adoptions in the United States were closed. Agencies or intermediaries—such as doctors, social workers, or clergy—often handled all decisions. Expectant parents had little to no say in who would raise their child. Adoption was treated discreetly—a solution to unplanned pregnancy or infertility—and often shrouded in secrecy.

• Adoptive families were typically selected by agencies.
• Expectant parents were rarely involved in decision-making.
• Information was limited or sealed.
• Adoptees often grew up not knowing their origins.

While well-intentioned at the time, this approach left many birth parents feeling silenced and many adoptees with unanswered questions about their identity and past.

Now: A shift toward openness

Today, most domestic infant adoptions in the United States are semi-open or open, and expectant parents—particularly expectant mothers—play a central role in choosing the adoptive family. This shift reflects a growing respect for a woman’s autonomy and the belief that she is best positioned to make thoughtful decisions for her child.

Modern adoption practices prioritize:

• Informed choice for expectant parents
• Transparency in communication
• Matching based on mutual values and preferences
• Ongoing contact and openness, when mutually agreed upon

So, Who Chooses the Family?

In nearly all domestic infant adoptions today, the expectant mother chooses the adoptive family.

She may do this with the support of an agency, attorney, or counselor, but the decision is ultimately hers.

This choice is deeply personal and often influenced by a variety of factors:

• The adoptive family’s profile or book
• Shared values, religion, or lifestyle
• Whether the family already has children
• Willingness to have ongoing contact
• Location, age, or other personal details

Expectant mothers are not “giving up” a child. They are making a parenting decision rooted in love, concern, and hope for the child’s future.

The Matching Process: Step by Step

1. Hopeful adoptive parents complete a home study

This includes background checks, interviews, references, and education. Once approved, families create a profile—a collection of photos, stories, and values—to help expectant parents learn more about them.

2. Expectant parents receive counseling and support

Professionals help expectant parents explore their options without pressure. If adoption is being considered, they begin to review family profiles.

3. Expectant mother selects a family

She may:

• Review several profiles
• Meet the family in person or virtually
• Decide what level of contact she desires before and after placement
  

4. A mutual meeting and relationship building

If both parties agree, a match is made. Over time, they may build trust and communication as the pregnancy progresses.

5. Expectant mother finalizes her plan after birth

It’s important to remember that nothing is legally binding until after the baby is born. Expectant parents can change their minds at any point before legal paperwork is signed.

What Influences an Expectant Mother’s Choice?

Every situation is unique, but common decision points include:

• Personality: Does the family feel genuine and kind?
• Stability: Are they emotionally and financially ready to parent?
• Beliefs: Do their values align with her vision for the child?
• Openness: Will they honor her desired level of future contact?
• Representation: Do they reflect cultural or racial identities that matter to her?

What If an Expectant Mother Doesn’t Want to Choose?

Some expectant parents may feel overwhelmed by the process and ask the agency to choose on their behalf. In these cases, professionals use the expectant parent’s preferences to select a compatible family.

However, the option to choose always exists, and expectant parents can revisit this decision at any point before placement.

Why This Matters: Ethics and Empowerment

Placing a child for adoption is one of the most difficult decisions a person can make. Honoring the voice of the expectant parent is not only ethical—it is compassionate and empowering.

By allowing expectant parents to choose:

• They are treated with dignity and respect
• They retain autonomy in a moment that can feel uncertain
• They make informed, intentional decisions rooted in care

For hopeful adoptive parents, this model may feel vulnerable. But it also fosters stronger relationships, honest beginnings, and mutual trust within the adoption triad.

Common Questions From Hopeful Adoptive Parents

What if we’re never chosen?
This is a common fear. Agencies often help families present themselves authentically. While timelines vary, many families are eventually matched.

Can we say no to a match?
Yes. Just as expectant parents have the right to choose, adoptive families also have the right to decline a match if it doesn’t feel right.

Do we get to meet the expectant parents?
In most modern adoptions, yes. Many matches involve a phone call, video chat, or in-person meeting before birth.

What if the expectant mother changes her mind?
Expectant parents can change their minds until their parental rights are legally terminated. This is why empathy, understanding, and professional support are essential throughout the process.

A Word to Adoptees and Birth Parents

We understand that the question “Who chooses the family?” may stir up complex emotions.

Some adoptees may feel the choice was made without them. Some birth parents feel peace and empowerment from choosing. Others may feel loss, regret, or pressure.

As we discuss this topic, we hope to:

• Affirm that your voice matters
• Acknowledge that not all experiences are positive
• Advocate for ethical, respectful, and compassionate adoption practices

Why Adoption Positivity Doesn’t Mean Glossing Over Pain

Being “adoption positive” doesn’t mean pretending that adoption is perfect. It means acknowledging that:

• Adoption can be a beautiful, loving option when it is ethical and informed
• Birth parents deserve support, consent, and agency
• Adoptees deserve access to their identities, stories, and cultures
• Adoptive families should approach adoption with humility, openness, and lifelong learning

Trusting the Process

Adoption is built on trust. Trust that expectant parents are making a thoughtful choice. Trust that adoptive families will honor that choice. Trust that the child at the center of it all will grow up knowing they were loved and chosen with care.

So, who chooses the family?

In the most ethical, transparent adoptions, the person carrying the child does. With the right support, the right information, and the right to choose, that decision becomes a powerful, brave, and loving beginning.